You sit down at the keyboard, ready to write up your research. But the harder you try, the worse you seem to feel. This episode asks: why is thesis-writing so mentally and emotionally taxing? We talk to two writers about their struggles with self-doubt, anxiety and loneliness and look for new ways to think about academic writing.
You sit down at the keyboard, ready to write up your research. But the harder you try, the worse you seem to feel.
Today we ask a vexing question: what makes thesis-writing so mentally and emotionally taxing?
We talk to two former grad students about their struggles with self-doubt, anxiety and loneliness in the writing process. We also gain insights from University of Toronto writing scholar Rachael Cayley.
Music credits:
Licensed from soundstripe.com: "Shaken and Stirred" by Dreamland (theme song); “Boo Instrumental” by Dresden the Flamingo; “Beyond All Time” by Moments; “Transporter” by Falls; “Causality” by Shimmer; “Unexpected Turn” by Moments; “Pages” by Shimmer; “What You Are Here For” by Moments; “Crescendo” by Featherland.
Rob Desjardins 00:00
It's the day you've been waiting for. You've got six hours free, no work tasks, no childcare, no laundry. Now's the time to get some real writing done on your thesis. You know, you have lots to say. So you set yourself up in a comfortable space with a soothing cup of tea, and you sit down at the keyboard, and then...nothing.
Nazia 00:31
Whenever I sat down to write, that's when the struggle really started. Like I cannot find the right words, the right sentence, and my mind just goes blank.
Brea 00:44
For me, it was paralyzing and it was almost like being trapped inside my own body, wanting to do something, wanting to engage with the work, but then also rebelling against it at the same time.
Rob Desjardins 01:06
Most grad students, almost all grad students, feel these headwinds when they sit down to write. Today, we asked a simple question, why? What's the deal with thesis writing? What makes it so darn hard?
Rob Desjardins 01:27
Grad School Confidential. A podcast about the unglamorous and often bewildering life of the grad student. I'm Rob Digiarty, along with our psychologist and guide, Suman Varghese.
Suman Varghese 01:39
Hi Rob.
Rob Desjardins 01:39
Suman! I've been looking forward to this episode for a long time. I used to work as a writing advisor. And I think of all things that grad students suffer through, thesis writing has to be right up there near the top. So today, we're talking to two people who went through this struggle. First up, we meet Nazia. She hit a wall once she finished her coursework,
Nazia 02:04
That semester was all about my research and my writing. It was a random Tuesday night, I woke up, I showered, I cleaned my room, I lit all the candles, everything was perfect. Everything was going good. I was feeling good. But then, you know, I sat down. And I didn't even realize when it was 7pm. And I don't know what happened. But between 1pm and 7pm, no words came up. The Bulldog was blank. And I was in the same position. This difficulty that I was facing, it went on for two months. I felt stupid, I felt ugly. I felt like I couldn't finish the program. There were nights that I would just cry, I would just cry myself to sleep. I was very depressed and anxious. It was basically I was in survival mode.
Rob Desjardins 03:04
Suman -- the self doubt, the anxiety. These are feelings countless grad students shared with me when I was writing advisor. I'm guessing you've encountered the same?
Suman Varghese 03:17
Yeah, definitely. I've heard so many students talk about how much they avoid getting started, how much time they spend trying to write, feeling like they get nothing done. And they often have so much anxiety around failure and judgment that they start doubting themselves and their abilities and, and like Nazia, they feel stuck, and they start wondering if they can even finish. And they can even start to doubt their own sense of worth.
Rob Desjardins 03:41
Yeah, we know these feelings are so common. So we reached out to one of Canada's most acclaimed writing scholars to find out why.
Rachael Cayley 03:51
So I've worked with graduate writers for the last 16 years or so. So I've spent a lot of time in the classroom and one on one appointments, reading people's writing, visiting classes, giving workshops.
Rob Desjardins 04:02
That's Rachael Cayley, author of thriving as a graduate writer. Her book tackles the problem from the student's perspective.
Rachael Cayley 04:10
So I've heard a lot from graduate writers and I decided to borrow four sentiments that they use so much of the time. So I started with, I feel like I should already know how to write. Shouldn't I already know how to do this? Or I was a pretty good writer, as an undergraduate. I thought I kind of had this thing figured out, why can't I do it anymore? And then I took that idea and followed next into, I feel like these writing difficulties mean that I don't really belong here. Right? So it's not just that I'm not great at this, but that I should be and so maybe I'm not cut out for this. And my third sort of idea from students was, I feel like academic writing can't be done well. There's a fairly pervasive sense of either defeatism or cynicism, or people treat academic writing like this kind of thing that everybody just does badly. And then the fourth was, I feel like I'm alone in my writing struggles. I feel like I should already know. And if I don't I probably don't belong. And is this even a good thing? Can anyone do this? Well, and I feel so isolated.
Rob Desjardins 05:13
So we definitely heard these four beliefs come up, when we talked to Nazia, and to Brea, another grad student writer who's experienced these challenges.
Brea 05:23
There's a vulnerability to writing and to sharing something that has come from within you. And then you put it out to the world being like, what do you think? Is it okay? And then you just kind of have to sit and wait and be like, Okay, did I get other people's approval? There's like an excitement about, well, I'm inspired to do this work. And I'm excited about the prospect of it. But then there's also that what if I fail? And I found that the gravitational pull towards the avoidance or worry about, well, what if it goes sideways? Or what if this doesn't work out? What if I'm not good enough?
Nazia 06:09
I hated writing. Because I felt like, whatever I will write will be absolutely garbage. People will find out that I'm a fraud, that I shouldn't be where I am. And then I used to compare myself with others as well, like, Oh, they're doing so great. They're at this age, and they're doing so much. They're handling jobs. They're handling relationships, they're handling their thesis. They're probably writing a great thesis. I guess I was putting a pressure on myself.
Rob Desjardins 06:47
So, Suman, what's happening here? Why was Nazia so hard on herself?
Suman Varghese 06:53
I think like Rachel said, mistaken beliefs start to pop up. Nazia thinks she should know what she's doing and assumes everyone else has it figured out. And these faulty beliefs fuel those impostor feelings, she starts to believe she's not cut out for the program, that all her work is a failure. And I think it's really easy for grad students to be hard on themselves. In the environment they're in, you know, surrounded by high achievers. It's very competitive, they work so much of the time independently. But for Nazia, the self criticism gets so strong that it's hard for her to see the realities of the situation. That writing is hard, that this type of writing is new to her, and that most people struggle with it. And then we see it kind of blow up further as she makes these unfair comparisons, assuming everyone else has it together while she's the only one struggling.
Rob Desjardins 07:38
Yeah. And another thing about that nagging self doubt, as Rachel says, it's, it's hard not to feel that we're all alone in our struggles. Both Brea and Nazia felt that way.
Brea 07:50
There is this feeling of isolation and just like being alone in the experience, especially living alone, too. So they're really, it's really kind of up to me to make it all happen. And I had to take on that responsibility of caring for myself as well.
Nazia 08:14
I used to call back home. And then it felt impossible. Sometimes I couldn't even talk because I felt like, you know, I shouldn't be talking to them. Because like, I don't deserve to talk to them. Because I'm a failure. It was lonely; it was just like my room and the laptop and the university. Basically that's it.
Rob Desjardins 08:41
And Suman, what makes the writing process take such a toll on our mental health?
Suman Varghese 08:46
I think the isolation factor plays a big role, in part because writing is so solitary, it's generally something you do alone without distractions away from others. But on top of that, I think there's a perceived sense of isolation where students often think they're the only ones struggling. We heard how Nazia said she felt like a failure and undeserving. And when we're highly self critical and full of self doubt, it's really easy to feel that way. So it can bring up feelings of shame where we want to hide, we don't want to ask for help. Because we feel like we should know what we're doing or we should be further ahead. But in reality, many students struggle with writing and feel the same pressures.
Rob Desjardins 09:25
Yeah, and another pressure we often see in students is perfectionism. They often feel they have to get it done perfectly from the start. Here's Nazia.
Nazia 09:35
I think my wife was just going on. It was like running. It was just like, where should I start? How should I start? Even if I wrote one line, I immediately erased it, like, no, this is not the one and then I've gone nowhere.
Rachael Cayley 09:50
When you put that pressure on yourself in the moment of composition, most people freeze.
Rob Desjardins 09:55
That's Rachel Cayley again. Suman, what's the mechanism here? Why do we freeze with our fingers hovering over the keyboard?
Suman Varghese 10:09
Freezing is a normal response to a threat or to a perceived threat. Meaning if we're sitting down with high levels of anxiety, our nervous system just wants to protect us. So fight or flight or freeze kicks in. We already know how common avoidance and procrastination is. That's the flight. But oftentimes we sit down to do the work, and we just go blank or feel paralyzed into inaction. So like we heard, when we put a lot of pressure on ourselves or are aiming for things to be perfect, we're that much more likely to feel anxious and freeze.
Rob Desjardins 10:33
And to counter some of those feelings. Rachel suggests changing the way you think about the writing process.
Rachael Cayley 10:40
You need to be able to use writing in order to understand what you are thinking. And so you need to have that idea of academic writing as really iterative, as something that doesn't come out right the first time, something that has to be thought about and reconsidered and revisioned, over and over again, until ultimately it meets the needs of the reader.
Rob Desjardins 11:04
And that's something Nazia had to figure out to get her writing going. She struggled with perfectionism for months. And then she finally began to accept that her drafts were, well, they had to be imperfect. And she kept writing them anyway,
Nazia 11:21
I kind of let go of the image of, like, Okay, this has to be my best work. This has to be the perfect people that anyone has ever seen. I let go of all that just because there was pressure that I have to write something, I have to give something. It just has to happen because there is no time. At that point, I didn't care if people think that this is garbage. It' felt like I have to put in something. So I started from the middle. I started with writing down the details of it, though. Okay, what did I do? How did I do my fieldwork? So I started with the method section.
Rob Desjardins 12:02
So Nazia was finally able to get some perspective. But Suman, what makes it so hard for students to let go of perfectionism?
Suman Varghese 12:11
Well, I think a fear of failure can be a big part of it. For a perfectionist, not living up to their standards can feel like failure or that they're not good enough, like Nazia talked about. Perfectionism is really tricky, because many students really value their high standards, and it helped them get to where they are today. So to ask them to maybe think about it in a different way, or to work on writing that might feel subpar or messy, that can feel really scary and foreign. But we know it's better to aim for good enough to begin with. And that doesn't mean we can't still have high standards. But we can work on being more flexible in how we're thinking about our work. So I think it becomes really important to normalize the messiness of the process. And it can be really important for students to challenge some of the negative thoughts around failure that might pop up.
Rob Desjardins 12:59
And that's something Nazia was able to do with one simple question. What's the worst that can happen?
Nazia 13:06
My professor kind of said that a good thesis is a thesis that has been written. A good thesis is a thesis that is done. I guess that's what kept me going. That either way, no one, no one will put me in jail if it's bad, that no one will throw me out of the society. No one will tell me that, you know, you do not belong here. The thought that even if it's a bad one, at least it won't be the end of the world. It won't be the end of my life.
Rob Desjardins 13:36
So Nazia was able to change the way she thought about the writing process. And that's something Rachael Cayley really emphasized the need to reframe many of our experiences around writing,
Rachael Cayley 13:48
Could it be developmental? Could it be something that you're just you're maybe you're not that great at it. But that's because you haven't been taught, you haven't learned, you haven't practiced. Something that's difficult. It's not just you, and that it's possible. And it's communal. This is the preeminent shared activity of graduate students, right? This is the thing that everyone is doing. They're just sort of doing it secretly by themselves, and often feeling bad about it.
Rob Desjardins 14:14
So this idea of writing as communal might sound counterintuitive, since we typically think of writing as a solitary activity. But both Brea and Nazia discovered how important it was to connect with others.
Brea 14:30
It took me a while to accept that I needed to talk about my writing. And that talking about writing is a way of doing writing. If I can explain it to someone as well in a way that is comprehensible to them, then that gives me the reassurance as well that like okay, this is a good direction, like this makes sense. And what I'm saying here, I can now start to put on the page. Getting over the hurdle of I should be writing, I shouldn't be talking, I think was a really major aspect to what helped me along.
Nazia 15:15
I sought out help. I joined the writing group. I used to to look out for a study group, I used to talk to my supervisor. I didn't shut myself in. I think help in any way that you find is, it's really important in those kinds of times.
Rob Desjardins 15:32
So as Rachael says, by reframing writing as a process that's communal, and also as developmental and difficult and possible, you can have a different experience.
Rachael Cayley 15:46
Instead of feeling unprepared, you might feel committed. And instead of feeling unqualified, you might feel determined. Instead of feeling alienated, you might feel engaged. And lastly, instead of feeling isolated, you might feel supported.
Rob Desjardins 16:00
And, Suman, how do students actually get to a point where they can have this different experience? Like, what kinds of barriers might get in the way?
Suman Varghese 16:09
Like we heard today, common barriers are anxiety, perfectionism, isolation, and self criticism. So I would just say recognize how anxiety might be playing a role. Again, just notice that avoidance and that paralysis is often a symptom of anxiety. So think about how can you manage the anxiety? Are there ways to reduce the pressure you're putting on yourself? What small step can you take to get started? And really notice that inner dialogue, if you're thinking of the worst case scenarios, or telling yourself you're a failure, or that you're someone who doesn't deserve to be here, it's going to be that much harder. And just remember, these are common thoughts and feelings for grad students, so you're not alone in that experience. So be flexible with yourself, be flexible with the writing, starting with anything is better than nothing. Like Rachael said, writing is iterative. So you can make it better as you go along. But we got to let go of that idea that it has to be a masterpiece right off the bat. And remember, this type of writing is hard and different than what you've done before. And finally, I just say ask for help, whether it's from your supervisor, your colleagues, using the writing services at your university, there's a lot more support than you might imagine. And as we heard today, if we can see writing as communal, we can feel a lot less lonely in the process.
Rob Desjardins 17:31
And that's it. Thanks for joining us for another edition of Grad School Confidential. We'd like to thank Rachael Cayley for her contributions to today's episode. For a wealth of great advice check out her book, Thriving as a Graduate Writer. And for other resources on the writing struggle you can visit our website: uab.ca/gsc. If you have feedback or want to suggest a show topic, email us at gradschoolconfidential@ualberta.ca. Grad School Confidential is a production of Counseling and Clinical Services at the University of Alberta.